I’m an overthinker

I contemplate my thoughts
Going back and forth with decisions
Trying to make sense of these choices
I’ve wanted to be perfect, or at least I’ve tried
It’s something I could never really hide
I feel terrible for the way I act and want to disappear
For the way I act when you’re near
It’s not fair for you, my sweet family
But especially for my sole mate, my husband
He’s so patient when I explode and overthink
His love so deep, I could sink
So when I act the way I do
I feel regret and hide away
Why do I think life has problems that need to be solved
At that moment – needing to be resolved
Why am I trying to change you
When I should look at myself instead
I’m filled with a heart to love you and the girls
But I can’t help and get overwhelmed
It leads me to ask God for strength
Knowing He can fix me in these desperate moments

~ – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ~

Because when I overthink, I think too much
The feeling overwhelms my thoughts
It sounds simple, but it’s not
You try everything to stay sane, you pretend to feel normal
But whatever is on your mind, eventually comes out
In words, in actions – what’s the cure?
To be loved, knowing your mind is not pure
Regardless of your sin
Just admitting it is a win

Sacramento Sun

The sun was hardly appreciated there
Things like vegetables and fruit grew there
But I imagined a life that was to come
I laid there – feeling numb
I should’ve felt happier than I was
I thought that I was the only one
Who had clouds that surrounded my thoughts –
Who felt depressed even though I had a lot
I had friends I couldn’t rely on
No imagination of things I could’ve done
Years later, I find myself dreaming of the many places I could have gone
People fantasize the California sun
But I was always wishing I was somewhere else

Now it’s quiet in my head
Thoughts of feeling unwanted are now dead
I feel needed by my friends
By my kids, my husband

Needless to say, I’m not dreaming of a day
The need to be happier
Or the need to go away
Since it doesn’t matter the weather, the hype, or the thrill
What matters is people – who stand for you still
Who see the flaws in you while giving you space
Who value your friendship, while giving you grace

Generational Hierarchy

I’ll follow you
Into the pit of despair
Though I know you barely care
Your ways are all I know
They are all I see
Though I despise how you barely loved me
I know no other way
From raising my kids
To losing my mind
I now know the secrets that you hide
From age gaps to stylistic shoes
I feel the hate of the life I choose
I know what I’m doing, but I know no other way
I have no ground to stand on
Because I follow in your ways
The choices you made for my life
I make for my kids through bitterness and strife
I know what I’m doing, and I hate it
but I know No other way
I try to disagree with you
Pretending I have my own way
But I still end up following your will
I fight against your advice
And sometimes try to play nice
Though I said “no” to injections for years
I now follow your ways, without shedding a tear
Laughing at your jokes and agreeing when I don’t
But then I’ll go home and disregard what I heard
But deep inside I know I’ll follow your every word
I know no other way

A Fire That Never Burned Out

A Fire That Never Burned Out 

 

“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Alfred L. Tennyson. 

 

Present

“My name is Darina. I was born on the 3rd of January, 1942, in the city of Lutsk, Ukraine. I want to tell you a story about a man and a woman who were once in love. A story  of a couple whose love for each other burned a flame inside their hearts. It’s about a fire that never burned out.” Darina smiled, as she looked into the camera.

“He first laid eyes on me in my hometown of Ukraine. This was during the Soviet Union. You can imagine all around us there was bitterness and death; but this man, he had hope in his eyes. The first time I saw him, he stood at a stoplight with his hand rested against the pole, as he gazed at me from across the street. I could see in the distance he had something in his mouth, I found out later it was a piece of barley. As he smiled, I blushed and looked down at my dress. I was so glad I wore this one, it brought out my eyes, which was the color of the sky that day. It also had orange and purple dahlia flowers designed on the bottom. With cars honking left and right, he ran across the street and introduced himself. Panting, he told me his name was Misha, but I could call him Michael. I noticed his striking height as he hovered over me in his army uniform. Michael was the most handsome man I’d ever seen. His smile was sweet. His thick brown hair was combed to the left, and he had a dimple on his left cheek. I told him my name was Darina and he chuckled and said that was the most beautiful name he had ever heard. 

That day, his eyes lit a flame in my heart and before I realized, we were married a few weeks after. Instead of rings, Michael’s father had gifted him a gold pocket watch with the Ukrainian insignia engraved on it. He had cut out a picture of us and placed it inside. He said if he were to die in battle one day, I would know it was him because of the pocket watch. He said ‘men are unrecognizable when they are covered with dirt and blood, but you will know it’s me because of this pocket watch.’ That was the same day we conceived our son Daniel.” Darina looked at Daniel and he nodded with approval to keep going. 

She continued, “I believed Michael was in the army. There was no reason not to believe him. We both hated that he was in the army, but we had no choice. He only had a few weeks left to serve and reassured me ‘when all of this is over, we can move far away from here.’ I trusted him when he told me that.” Darina sighed and took a sip of water.

“On one particular winter night, Michael was out gathering wood for the fireplace. He was gone a little longer than usual, but when he returned, he looked at me and told me he was going to see the General. He was going to tell him that he wants to resign from the army. Michael’s eyes were darker this time and his pupils were dilated. I didn’t see why he had to go when the stars were out. I asked him to go tomorrow, but he insisted. He said if he went tonight, the General could have the night to think about it.

That night, Daniel cried more than usual and I had a hard time getting him to settle down. Michael rocked him to sleep and sang him a Russian lullaby. He then kissed me goodnight and said, ‘I’ll see you later, love. Don’t wait up.’ Those were his exact words. He grabbed his bag and left into the darkness. I never saw Michael again.” 

“Mom, let’s stop for now. I think that’s enough for today.” Daniel said. He pressed the red button on his camera and closed it shut. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” 

“It’s okay, Daniel. I think it’s about time I talk about what happened.” Darina said.  

1962

Michael never came home that night. It had been three nights since he left. Every night since he left, Darina prayed for him to come home. She held her baby boy in her arms and sang the same Russian lullaby that Michael had sung. She didn’t know the words, but she knew the melody. She hummed it and and as she laid Daniel down, there was a knock on the door. It was Michael! It must be Michael! 

She opened the door, and there stood the General. His hat was off as he held it in his hands. His eyes met hers and two other soldiers stood tall, one to the right and one to the left of him. Neither of them made eye contact with her, but nodded their heads when she looked at them. Darina took a step back, she knew what they were about to tell her. Her eyes began to water and as she fell to her knees, one of the soldiers hugged her and she sobbed into his uniform.  

After Darina settled down from the news, she invited them in for a cup of tea and reached for the few black and white photos she had of Michael. That evening, they sat together and expressed how much they valued Michael and how he always took risks on the field. Then, they asked if they could have all the pictures of Michael. 

“All of them?” Darina answered in Russian to them. 

“Darina, we want to make all the funeral arrangements for you.” The General replied back to her in Russian. She agreed and gave them all the pictures she had of Michael. They were very kind and offered to pay for everything. 

“When will all of this be ready, so I can tell his family?” Darina said, as they were walking out the door. The soldiers looked at the General, waiting for his answer. It was the first time Darina saw their pupils move. 

The General hesitated for a moment before he answered,“We’ll send word, Darina.” 

Darina waited for an answer, but it never came. A week went by and she became discouraged, so she decided to meet with her sister, Masha, for some coffee. 

“I just don’t know what to do. I don’t have the money to pay for any of this.” Darina vented, as she spoke to her sister in Ukrainian. 

“I will help you, Darina. The most important thing is not the funeral or any of that, it’s the pictures you have of Michael to remember what a great man he was.” Masha replied back in Ukrainian, as she comforted her sister.

“I don’t have any Mash! I never told you, but I gave the General all the pictures I had of him.” Darina began to tear up.

“What?! Why?”

“I don’t know. I trusted them.” 

“Well, it doesn’t matter now. Maybe they need a few more days to get back to you. It’s the army, Darina, why would they keep your pictures of Michael?” Masha said. 

“You’re right. I will pray to God about it.” Darina said.

Daniel began to cry. Darina rocked and shushed him as she wiped his tiny tears.

“I need to go, sis. I forgot his blanket at home and he won’t stop crying until I give it to him.” Darina gave her sister a quick hug. 

“Everything will be okay.” Masha shouted as Darina rushed out of the coffee shop. 

It was a fifteen minute walk from her house to the coffee shop. Her little brick house was located on a busy street, but when she and Michael found out they would have a baby, he didn’t hesitate to build an eight foot fence. As Michael said, “it would protect Daniel from their gypsy neighbors and strangers that come off the marshrutka bus every hour.” It was also the same spot she ran into Michael the first day they met. She pushed the stroller and held Daniel as she walked, trying to calm him. He finally calmed down and she put him back in his stroller, lightly covering him up with a blanket. She looked up to see why the skies weren’t clear and as she walked closer, she sniffed in disbelief. Wait, that is not fog. Those are ashes! She squinted her eyes to try to see her house. HER HOUSE WAS ON FIRE! 

Three Days Earlier

“Hey mom, do you have your insurance card?” Daniel asked.

“Yes, Daniel. Just because I don’t know how to drive, does not mean I have completely lost my memory.” 

Daniel chuckled. “You know, you could still learn how to drive.” 

“So you could leave me? No, thank you, son.” 

“Mom, I would still come visit you.”

“That’s what every child says to their mother and they don’t see them for months.” She spoke in Ukrainian and told him how she is going to die someday. 

Daniel laughed and in broken Ukrainian said how she’ll live forever. “Be thankful I have such a flexible job.” Daniel smirked and started the car. 

It was raining outside, as it usually did in Seattle. Darina looked out the window and watched the rain drop.

“MOM! MOM!” Daniel shouted.

“Yes?” Darina shook her head. 

“Mom, I know you said you don’t have dementia, but you certainly just dazed off. What were you thinking about?” 

“Nothing, love.” Darina responded. 

“Well, it does not matter because we’re here now.” Daniel said. 

As Darina walked up to the desk, Daniel slouched down and took out his flip phone to check for any missed calls. 

“Annual checkup for Dahlia at 10:15.” She said to the nurse. Her English had gotten better over the years. 

“Oh, Dahlia, we tried to give you a call, but we couldn’t reach you. Your regular doctor called in sick today. Do you want to reschedule or would you like to see a different doctor?” The nurse asked. 

Darina looked at her phone, sure enough, it was dead. 

“Who’s the other doctor?” Darina asked. 

“His name is Dr. Alfred. He was transferred here from Vancouver and I hear he’s really good.” The nurse said.

“Well, it’s not like I’m having surgery today and my son took the morning off from work to drive me, so I will go with Dr. Alfred.” Darina sighed as she sat down next to Daniel. 

“Why do these things die so fast?” Darina flipped her black nokia phone in front of Daniel.

“Dahlia?” A nurse called out.

“Yes?” 

“Doctor Alfred is ready to see you.” 

“That was quick.” Darina murmured to Daniel. 

“Don’t be long, I got work in an hour.” Daniel yelled as he grabbed a magazine.

The nurse gave her a gown and closed the door. “Can you please change into this?” 

Darina changed and waited for the doctor. She scooted herself on the bed. The white sheets crinkled as she made herself as comfortable as she could. She tapped her feet, and waited. She looked around the room and found a poster that read, “2002 Health Studies Show How Too Much Sugar Can Lead to Obesity.”

Then, came a knock on the door. 

“Come in.” Darina said, as she prepared herself.

“Hi, Dahlia?” Dr. Alfred said, as he sat down on the chair, “Beautiful name.” He said.  

“Thank you.” She was amazed by his bushy, and mostly dark brown, beard that buried half his face. His hair matched his beard. It was hard to tell his age.

 He could be younger, or he could be older. Men usually start to turn gray around their 50s, but it also depends on their family line. 

She was not the best at guessing someone’s age. For all she knew, this man could be in his forties with good genes. 

Okay, stop. Daniel needs to go to work, stop trying to figure out his age. 

Dr. Alfred stretched out his hand, “I’m doctor Alfred.” She shook his hand. 

Firm handshake.

“I’m sure you know how this goes, but just to remind you, we are first going to check your pulse. Sit up straight for me.” Dr. Alfred pulled out his gold pocket watch to keep track of time. 

Darina sat up straight and quickly glanced at his watch. 

“Oh, fancy.” She said, sarcastically. It was most likely counterfeit gold. She wanted to see his reaction as she smirked. He tried to hide his smile as he turned his face the opposite way. A dimple on his left cheek stood out. She caught the doctor’s blue eyes before he looked down at the time. His eyes, they reminded her of someone. Darina glanced at the clock above his head. She kept the corner of her eyeballs towards his face, but her head sustained away from him, facing the door. She remembered Michael. 

She remembered the day she met him. Michael was the most handsome man she had ever seen. His smile was sweet, his thick brown hair, combed to the left, and that one dimple on his left cheek, sparked a flame in her heart. She remembered how he stood at a stoplight and had rested his hand against the pole. How he gazed at her from across the street with that piece of barley that stuck outside his mouth. She remembered when he smiled at her that day they met, she blushed and looked down at her pretty light blue dress with the orange and purple dahlia flowers. She remembered why she changed her name to Dahlia. She remembered this man, how he had hope in his eyes that day. How he promised to quit the army and start a new life together with her and Daniel. How he disappeared one night and never came back. She remembered Michael’s uniform and how it cost her his death. How the General lied to her about the arrangements of Michael’s funeral. She remembered the flame inside her heart that burned and ached for Michael. She remembered the hope she held on to and had lost the day she came to her home burned to ashes. 

Doctor Alfred slammed his pocket watch shut and Darina snapped out of her flashback. He put the pocket watch down on the table and she noticed the Ukrainian trident engraved on the top. 

“Is that real?” Darina asked. 

“What? The pocket watch?” Alfred smiled, his dimple stood out again. She noticed he did not have one on his right cheek. 

Michael? No, it can’t be. He’s dead. He’s been dead for years now.

“Yes, the pocket watch and the Ukrainian trident, or the insignia of the three teeth. Whatever you want to call it.” Darina said. 

“Yes, it’s real, Dahlia.” Doctor Alfred said as he jotted her pulse down. 

“Oh, you remember my name?” She fluttered her eyes and tilted her head back as she smiled. Though she was going on fifty now, she knew how to flirt like a teenager. 

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Doctor’s usually don’t care about their patients.” 

“Is that so?”

“I mean that’s how I’ve always felt.” She was teasing him now.  

“And patients care about their doctors?” 

“Tell me, Doctor Alfred, where did you get that pocket watch? Found it somewhere?” She scrutinized him now. Michael had one just like this. His was real. 

“I’ve had this for as long as I could remember. My father gave it to me.” 

Darina’s cheeks began to turn pink and her body was beginning to sweat. 

Alfred smiled and grabbed both her hands. He turned over her left hand to see if there was a ring on it. He saw both hands were bare and pulled his chair closer.

His blue eyes met hers.

“I lived in Ukraine once, with a beautiful woman named Darina. She was the love of my life and I lost her because of a stupid decision I made.” Alfred said. 

Darina examined Alfred and opened her mouth a tad.

“Michael?” She whispered. 

Michael caressed Darina’s cheek and a small spark lit up inside her. Michael smiled. A flame lit up. It burned so bright inside, she began to shiver and shake with an uncontrollable warmth inside her heart. Tears streamed down her face. Her heart burned with zeal. She felt the same fire she held onto all these years. It had never burned out. It was always there, just waiting for Michael to come home. 

“Darina, please forgive me. I’ve never stopped thinking about you.”

“You’ve been alive all these years?”

“Before I met you, I was actually a KGB spy. I told them I didn’t want to be in the KGB anymore, but they said that was not possible. I knew too much. And I couldn’t tell you anything because if you knew, they could kill you. Do you remember that night I met with the General? They took me to the forest to kill me, but I fled. I ran as far as I could and eventually made it to America, as a doctor. I know this sounds unbelievable, but please believe me, Darina.”

“Michael, I just…. I can’t… How do I know it’s you? I forgot how you look. I have no recollection of you– I mean, him.” 

Michael grabbed the gold pocket watch off the counter and opened it up again, “I’ve looked at your picture every single day, hoping someday you’d find me.” Michael handed Darina the pocket watch. Inside, it was a picture of them on their wedding day. 

There was a knock on the door. It was one of the nurses. 

“Doc, I have Dahlia’s son. He said he needs to get to work.” 

“Let him in.” Michael said.

Half a minute later, there was a light knock on the door and Alfred turned the knob to see a gracious, young man there. His face was pure, no pimples or wrinkles. His blue eyes matched the color of his shirt. His light brown hair was combed to the side. He stared at the doctor. 

“Doctor Alfred?” Daniel said. His hands were fidgeting. He looked behind Alfred to see his mom crying. 

“Hi Daniel.” Alfred said. 

“Doctor, how is she? It’s been an hour. Did something happen? Is everything okay?” Doctor Alfred felt his nervous voice in the air. 

“Yes, son. Everything is okay now.”

 

(All Rights Reserved to Christina Kachanovsky)

Why I Decided to Homeschool

Hello friends, I’ve decided to write about my experience with homeschooling, since a few people have been asking about it. Homeschooling is not something I would have ever done. However, this past year, God has been tugging on my heart to serve my family, so I hope my experience blesses people considering homeschooling their kid(s).

When we moved to Florida in 2022, I needed to get a job as soon as possible in order to buy our home! Back in Colorado, it would have made sense to obtain a Preschool Director’s License, since it paid more and was quicker to obtain than a Teaching License. However, when we were deciding to move to Florida, I was able to teach and work towards my Teaching license while having all the benefits of a Teacher! (Great hours, holidays off, etc.)

I obtained a position as a Kindergarten teacher at a school only three miles away. My daughter was in the classroom across the hall from me (in a VPK or preschool classroom). It was amazing! The perfect schedule. I never wanted to homeschool. Not only did we need the income, but I felt like I would be failing my kids if I tried to teach them. I felt like I would either be too hard on them, making them envy learning, or I would be too lenient, and they would never learn anything! (I was never homeschool and it was looked down upon where I grew up!)

After a difficult year of teaching in a public school setting, coming home each night crying, exhausted, burned out, lacking energy to love my kids, I lost my job. I had to pull both girls out of school. I then laughed at myself, knowing that God was tugging on my heart that whole year, preparing me to be a homeschool mom. I needed to hate teaching at a public school so much that I would have no other option. I knew that this was something I had to do. God was planting seeds in my heart by sending me the right people who homeschool their kids throughout the past few years (both in Colorado and Florida) and with that, God softened my stubborn heart. I was encouraged by all their stories. I joined a ton of homeschool Facebook groups and connected with people who were knew what they were doing.

How Did I Start?

Summer was approaching, and I used this time to slowly create a curriculum for my daughter. I began searching through Facebook groups for advice on how to decorate my “classroom” and what boxes I had to check to make this happen. I started simply by connecting with other moms who would meet at the park for playdates. I read story after story, from single moms homeschooling three kids, to parents homeschooling their teenager while the younger kids went to school. Every story was different. I began learning that each family is made unique and is created in God’s special image. I don’t have to go at a certain pace; I can teach how I want and when I want. It does not have to be first thing in the morning, it can be late at night (if my child decides to sleep in until 10 am). I can take my workbook to the zoo and teach about animals. I can meet up with friends for a free museum day and learn about dinosaurs. I can go to SeaWorld on a Tuesday and then have extra homework on Wednesday. If I work, I can send them to a Co-Op school where the classroom sizes are smaller, they get more attention from the teachers, and there is more playtime than in a traditional school. (Check with your state to see if you qualify for state scholarships for programs such as tutoring, gymnastics, martial arts, piano lessons, curriculums, and even Co-op groups. Once I learned that Florida provides scholarships and it’s not income-based, I got so excited knowing that the state can pay for a personalized school program!)

The first month in, there were times when I felt like giving up. I considered sending my kids back to public school and finding a regular 9-to-5 job. However, one evening as I sat on the couch, feeling like a failure and thinking that my kids hadn’t learned anything in the past few weeks, I made a TikTok video that captured the highlights of our first month together. You can watch the video here. After watching it multiple times, my perspective changed completely, and I couldn’t help but smile. It reminded me of all the wonderful moments we had shared and gave me the motivation to keep going.

Unschooling:

I wanted to briefly touch base on what unschooling is since it seems to be a fairly new topic of discussion these days. Google defines unschooling as a form of homeschooling, but with an experimental process. It is legal in 50 states in America, and you do not need to submit any forms to the state in terms of your child’s progress each year and the state’s laws. The way I see it, if you are a family that likes to travel in your RV year-round or take vacations often, and the public school calendar is not working out for you, unschooling would give you the freedom to teach where you are when you want.

What I like about unschooling is that nobody is accountable for my child except me and my spouse. I know she does not do well when being tested, so why would I put her in that environment at the end of the year to only watch her fail? (On the other hand, there are some GREAT homeschool teachers who do test your child, but they are in a comfortable environment where they don’t feel pressured. Although, it’s not for me! However, if you want to see your child’s progress, that is something you can find in the homeschool groups I will list below)

So…when can I start?

If your toddler is already showing interest in learning, you can begin now! My two-year old has been watching Samantha and Ido school and she said “I want to do school!” She hates coloring, but LOVES cutting and glueing. I do have a little kitchen for her to play with as I teach lessons, so she is at least exposed to it.

If your sixth grader is coming home with a bad attitude or being bullied and you are tired of this “and something needs to change”.. pray and see if this is something your family needs for your child’s safety and protection. I have heard storieswehre someone pulled their middle schooler out of school, kept her three younger girls in public school, declined a three figure salary in order for her son to be safe, healthy, and love learning. He is thriving and doing so well. That mom turned down a three figure salaryincome and clipped coupons to get through financially on her spouse’s income just so her son could do better.

Here’s a checklist to help you get started with homeschooling:

• Join a handful of Facebook homeschool groups to keep yourself encouraged, sane, and socially connected. (I will list a few below.)
• Set clear educational goals and objectives for your children.
• Research and select a suitable curriculum or educational approach.
• Create a designated learning space or classroom in your home.
• Gather the necessary educational materials, such as textbooks, workbooks, and art supplies.
• Establish a daily schedule or routine that works for you and your children. (I found that even writing down one or two things for the day would motivate me to get out of the house. It’s okay if the morning consists of playtime with friends at the park; then, we would save the afternoons for learning. Some days we would end up running errands all day and only get to reading at night. We would just delve more into learning the next day.)
• Plan and organize lessons in advance, taking into account your children’s learning styles and interests. (If you notice that they are squirming and not enjoying the story or lesson, don’t force it. Come back to it later.)
• Implement a system for tracking and assessing your children’s progress. (I keep a binder and hole punch her progress with dates in order so we can see how far we’ve come! Also, have “morning work” or “morning menus” that they can do independently. Have a journal with spelling words as well that they can follow each day.)
• Seek out local co-op programs if you need that extra support, want some independence from your kid(s) a few hours a day, or need to work.
• Encourage a love for learning by incorporating field trips, hands-on activities, and real-world experiences. (Zoo trips, playground meet-ups, family bike rides, science experiments, etc.)
• Stay flexible and adaptable as you navigate through your homeschooling journey. (Take it easy the first few weeks! Give yourself some time to adjust.)
• Take pictures/videos to remind yourself that you are making progress.

Homeschool/Unschool Groups to Follow on Facebook:

• If you live in Florida.
• If you have littles birth-second grade. This will help you ease into teaching your kid(s) without being pushy.
• If you want to learn more and don’t know where to start! Click here.

Starting Early:

If you’re starting early, since I started homeschooling my oldest officially beginning at Kindergarten, I mainly have resources for that age group. Here is my separate list of things you would need to get started homeschooling Preschool – Second Grade aged kids:

• Purchase Bob’s Books. These are so fun to get your child engaged to read. They progress phonetically and introduce new sounds, letters, in each book.
• Go to the nearest dollar store and Costco and get yourself some workbooks appropriate for your child’s level! (Not only are they cheap, but super fun and some include activities!) You can include this and mix/match with the cirriculum you choose and/or supplement it instead of buying a curriculum. Remember, you can do whatever you want!
• Subscribe to Jack Hartman. He teaches math and phonics through song gives you a break sometimes from teaching a lessonwith a fun song!
• Subscribe to Ms. Lawson for math (and I just saw she began teaching phonics too!) Her lessons are more in depth and if you have the Saxton math curriculum, she follows that in order.
• Order yourself linking cubes to make math more fun!
• Get involved with your local library. They have great recources such as Bob’s books to borrow, story times, and mine even offered a free membership to ABC Mouse online!

Check out my social media pages to follow along my journey on homeschooling/unschooling:

Tiktok: Mrskach

Instagram: Mrskachme

Youtube: Adventinas (Homeschool Videos Coming Soon!)

Traveling with my babies to Chicago, IL and adjusting their school schedule to fit our schedule while still learning!

One Day At a Time, Mama

{Written in 2018, when I became a first-time mom}

Picture this. Not working at an office job or having to get up early each morning. Being able to do whatever you want, whether it’s going to the gym, or checking out cool museums, or going to the zoo. The “motherhood is great” posts on Instagram. Picture that. The good life. The not-having-to-make-yourself-lunch-the-next-day life. The my-agenda-is-free life.

That’s not my life and I’m 110% positive nobody else lives like that, unless they have a nanny 20 hours out of the day. A day in my life, the mama, the student, the wife, can be filled with chaos and some good days. One day, Sam naps for five hours. Instead of doing homework, I researched different career paths and didn’t even look at my to-do list. I felt so accomplished, thinking “surely this is a pattern she wishes to continue tomorrow.” It’s 2:30pm the next day, did she nap? Don’t even ask me. She’s just now going down. Did I start on my homework? I tried. Yes, deadlines are due. I thought I had it all under control, but here’s the thing, I’m about ready to grab myself a hot chocolate and watch myself a movie.

I feel let down. Unaccomplished. Like a loser. I can’t even get one task done today. I have no energy to even be nice to my husband. He did nothing wrong. He didn’t deserve that. But where will I throw all those feelings of being a failure today? I need to throw them out the window. I am not a failure. So what if I didn’t do laundry or use the time Sam was awake to run errands? So what if the schedule wasn’t like yesterday and I will be up til midnight writing my essay? What matters to me is that I surrendered those feelings to God and tell Him, “please take care of me right now.”

As a first time mom, I need to stop being so hard on myself.

Some days I will do a 110% and other days I will only do 5%

I am trying to justify my reasoning for relaxation when I have not appreciated my accomplishments….

I JUST had a baby… I am a first time MOM… I am a rockstar… I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. -Philippians 4:13

Inspired By a Lot of Things

Trapped in the middle
Living deep inside your head
Thoughts keep spinning
They seem to never end
Day by day is all it takes
To dream for better days
You want better and crave more
Wishing for new ways
Once there was a chance for you to run away
You keep hiding and sought a way to escape
But it ended in despair, in loneliness and haze
Not knowing what you’d get, unsure of everyday
You felt stuck in the middle, thinking of a place
Where you’d finally feel home, maybe happier today
In the end you felt alone, still dreaming of a day
Where you’d finally feel free, maybe out of this cage
But maybe you belonged, in your own little world
You were happy here, only sometimes alone
No need to learn new habits or have people on your mind
More time to gain wisdom from the Bible and online
But then you’d get distracted of other people’s lives
Feeling lost of the things that were once mine
A life surrounded by people you knew most of your life
Even just having family who were there by your side
Is that what home feels like, is it what you once knew?
Or is it what you make it, by the people you choose?
But then again, we ask, who’s there by your side?
When you’re at that point again-
You ask yourself: How do I make friends?
They came, they went, and no one ever stuck
Because you assumed, they didn’t love you enough.

California Sun

A memory of how it felt to live there.

The sun was hardly appreciated there.
Things like vegetables and fruit grew there.
But I imagined a life that was to come.
I laid there – feeling numb.
I should’ve felt happier than I was.
I thought I was alone.
The only one who had clouds circling around their thoughts-
Who felt depressed even though I had a lot.
I had friends I couldn’t rely on.
No imagination of things I could’ve done.
Years later, I find myself dreaming of places I could have gone.
People fantasize the California sun.
I wished to be far away from it.

I escaped to Illinois, where there was no sun.
Colorado, where there was 300 days of sun.
Then Florida, where people come to chase the sun. 
I came to realize this: the sun may not feel the same in different states, but it will follow you everywhere you go. The problem is not the sun, it is the fog in your head that keeps you from basking in the sun’s greatness.

Now it’s quiet in my head.
Thoughts of feeling unwanted are now dead.
I feel needed by my friends.
By my kids, my husband.

Needless to say, I’m not dreaming of a day.
The need to be happier-
or the need to go away.
Because it doesn’t matter the weather-
The hype, or the thrill.
What matters is people – who stand for you still.
Who see the flaws in you, while giving you space.
Who value your friendship, while giving you grace.

CALIFORNIA 4/23

My First Was My Last Year As a Teacher

Scarfing your food down during your ten minute lunch break.

Only one microwave available for everyone to share.

Bathrooms breaks- there aren’t any.

“I’ll need to see a therapist after I leave this job,” Your co-worker says.

Bags under your eyes, no time to do your hair.

Clocking in at 7:30 in the AM, without a minute to spare.

No time to sleep in, you’ll be given a warning.

The Sacrifice

School shootings in America, and you still sit at your desk.

“Are you military?” They ask, when you’re shopping for yourself.

“No, I’m a teacher.” Does it count for anything?

Put your life on the risk for the children- who are not even your own.

Everyday you walk in, teaching until you can’t.

Giving it your all, no time to even have a normal thought.

Each day, minute, hour, you check off.

“I’m proud of myself for getting this far.”

You tell yourself.

Time Off? What Time Off?

From August to May, no calling in sick.

Your life is supposed to be this job.

Give 100% each day, “even if you’re not feeling it.”

It’s true when the say: there are no days off.

People are jealous of your summer’s off.

Will I even make it to summer?

It seems like enough.

But it’s not time off. You have tests, certifications, and check ins.

It’s “time off” from the students though.

When you finally get to it, you can’t wait for your next PTO.

Rules Upon Rules

You’re insane for being here.

“Controlled Chaos” is what they call it.

Give your child medication if they can’t sit still for eight hours.

It’s meant to be like that.

Don’t be disruptive, be a robot.

No talking zone until your break.

I didn’t like what I was becoming.

No room for children to have freedom in or out of the class.

There is no other way than control.

Grades are all that matter.

No F’s or zeros allowed.

They will do anything to pass their kid.

Admin requires order, neatness, cleanliness.

Unnecessary expectations.

Every Friday, piles upon piles of grading.

The stress on you goes back to the kids.

You no longer enjoy it, because you’re not actually teaching.

You’re constantly disciplining.

Equality? Let’s go there.

They want children to bow down at your feet-respect you no matter how you treat them.

What example are you showing them?

It’s a Game

It’s a numbers game, a discipline game.

Who can control their classroom the best.

You never know when an admin will walk in.

Constantly checking your window to see.

Who can keep the classroom the quietest?

Entertained the longest.

A Prison. An Order. An Army.

You’re raising obedience, not a Montessori school.

No freedom here, although they think there is.

A pit in your stomach when you realize- you became the worst version of yourself.

Schools were always full of bullying, cheating, lying, and manipulating.

And nothing’s changed.

Teachers are no different.

They are students while the principal is their teacher.

Ghosting them and teaching them independence.

You’re given a time limit on emails while your emails are ignored for three days.

They make you believe there’s freedom in how your classroom looks.

The scary realization, it’s a cover up for reality.

Speaking of reality, You’re outside of it during your 8 hours.

No window to look out of, to see the seasons change or people passing by.

Forgetting Reality

You want to escape, but how?

You’re justifying the reasons of this job.

Good pay, time off… What’s missing?

Your memory, your freedom, YOU.

You’re either too traumatized to remember how your day went or too busy to live in the moment.

Brain chemicals stressed out from imprisoned four walls.

Toxicity of not being treated like a human-until the bell rings.

Only 15 minutes of sunlight a day.

How do people do this?

Pit in my stomach- thinking of this.

Is there better?

Waiting to get an email for something I did wrong.

Not being acknowledged for the good.

They’re all rumors, I was never questioned directly.

Breaks

Forced myself to take them during my “planning period.”

God forbid I’m out on my lunch break, I’ll be sent a warning.

Accidentally skipped a meeting-forgot what day it was.

Team lead sends an email that I skipped them.

Thrown under the bus.

Time and time again.

Mental awareness?

Just look at the faces of those who’ve worked there for years.

Do they look like they care about themselves?

The school is run by people who pretend to love kids but actually can’t stand them.

Working Conditions

Cockroaches. Every. Month.

You will find them on the walls and have PTSD.

You’ll scream, but no-one will come to your rescue.

You ask for help, but it comes in three days.

Not allowed to have sprays-but people do it anyway.

Bugs flying over your head- no safe space to eat.

Carpets are old and dirty.

Hearing stories of a mold outbreak in the past years .

Teachers having to wipe down the walls from mold dripping down.

Dust collecting on shelves and books creating bug habitats.

With no ventilation in the room, no window, no breathing clean air with 18 students.

Constantly losing my voice at the end of each night. Why?

Nobody is Truly Happy Here

Gossip, threats, and rumors.

Feels like we’re in high school again.

Dark cloud surrounding my mind.

Trying not to believe these lies.

What’s joy anyway?

Took me a while to find it again.

Thank God that part of my life is over.

Thought this was my dream, but I was wrong.

I was chasing the wrong thing and lost my soul in the midst of it.

Our Birth Story

Our Birth Story {May 22, 12:44pm}

It was the 16th of May and I woke up on my first day of maternity leave to go and pick up my mom. She had driven with my dad from California on the truck and I was picking her  up in Aurora because my dad had to keep driving/working.

My mom and I had not seen each other since February, so we did some bonding. We went and got our nails done, bought groceries, went out for coffee, took walks around Sloan’s Lake, showed her a little around Denver, and tanned in the backyard.– Sloan’s Lake –

It was weird being off work and sleeping in. I almost didn’t know what to do with myself. My mom and I cleaned the house, mopped the floors, did laundry, vacuumed, and just anything we could think of to keep our minds off of the fact that the baby was not here yet. Everyday she would ask, “is today the day she wants to come out?” I felt bad because I thought she was only here for ten days and I was showing no signs of labor.

I had done all the tricks to get the baby out faster: I ate spicy foods, did squats, walked 3 miles almost everyday, took baths, and made Jason give me foot massages, lol. I was done.

On Saturday, I finally gave in and told God, “bring this baby in Your timing. You have the most perfect timing and I’m not going to force anything anymore.”

On Sunday, Jay and I took my mom to church and then made reservations at this amazing restaurant that we had checked out last week called Shells and Sauce. We ordered calamari, pasta, and pizza. Then, we got dessert and could honestly not have enough! It was so yummy. On the way home, I started feeling dizzy and shaky, but we did not think too much of it. That night we watched American Idol and went to bed.

In the middle of the night I thought my water broke, it wasn’t a gush, so I was not sure. Plus, I know that only 12% of women have their water break, therefore, making me brush it off.

When I went in for my 40-week appointment the next day, she said everything was looking good, but nothing had changed except my weight and my stomach was measuring at 43 centimeters. 43 was three centimeters longer than normal. I would never measure longer than what I needed to be at, so I knew the baby would either measure long or just gained weight.

We then started making plans for an induction. My due date was the 19th, but according to the doctor’s due date, it was the 24th. Therefore, I would “technically” be 41 weeks on May 31st, in which they would “technically” induce me. I was about to cry, telling her that my mom is leaving the 26th. She felt bad for me, but I had to have a better reason for getting induced sooner.

I then told her I thought my water broke, but I was not sure because it was not a “gush.” So they have these tests to see if your water did break for sure and my OB checked both tests. One was saying it did and the other was inconclusive, but she was 99% sure it broke. She told me to go have some lunch, walk around, and then go to the hospital and they will know for sure.

I have heard stories where people go to the hospital RIGHT AFTER their water breaks, which is technically what the books say. The reason I didn’t want to go to the hospital was because if you don’t already have contractions, they may hold you for the first 18 hours or wait to naturally have contractions.

What my “plan” for labor and delivery was: I would start having contractions at my home, then when they would be closer together, I would go to the hospital and simply deliver without any pain meds.

What actually happened:

My water had broken around 3am Monday morning. I went to my doctor apt around 10am in which my OB had told me to go to the hospital. Before going, I wanted to run some errands since I was not contracting. I stopped by TJ Maxx to return some shorts and while I was returning, some lady in line asked when I was due and I told her, “Today. My water just broke.”

She looked at me all crazy and said, “What are you doing here then?”

“Just hanging out.” I told her.

I returned the shorts, bought Jason and myself #momlife and “Who needs a superhero when you have a dad” mugs and when I went to go check on my mom, who said, “I just need to grab myself a sweater,” she was shopping for dresses, pants, and more! I laughed so hard. I didn’t think she realized we were kinda, sorta on a time limit. I wanted to get to the hospital before 3pm (12 hours since my water broke) so I wouldn’t be at risk for infection. Anyways, I told her I would be in the car in which she told me she would be faster if I did that. Yeah, right. I sat in the car for at least another twenty minutes before I told Jason to call her and tell her to hurry her butt up!

In the meantime, Jason was at work and when I told him the news, he shouted with such excitement, he stopped working and his boss was telling him to go home. He would have met us at home, but he works five minutes from the hospital, so I thought I would just pick him up and he would drive the rest of the way. Plus, the hospital bag was already in the car with the baby bag and all we needed to do was grab my mom’s clothes from hom. (I had already finished packing that morning, trying not to get too excited, but wanted to be prepared still).

…

We had left the store, stopped by home, and then sped off to pick up Jason. I was watching him walk out of work and he had the biggest smile on his face, it was super cute! We then went to Illegal Petes for lunch, which there was a really big line- but you know, why hurry?

My mom already has four grandchildren; 14, 10, 8, and 1. And even though she has so much experience with child birth, during lunch she was acting super nervous. She kept asking Jason to get things for her and she ended up spilling her water all over the table and herself. Jason was acting all jittery and excited, he couldn’t contain himself. I was acting so calm, but also irritated. I was nervous what the hospital would say, because what if my water didn’t break? What if they would send me home? The waiting game would continue and that would drive me absolutely nuts! What was making me even more nervous was the fact that I posted my mom shopping while my water broke and we needed to go to the hospital on social media as a joke, and my in-laws saw it and started freaking out. My mother in-law really started freaking out and asked us why I was not at the hospital already and how my contractions were doing and I didn’t know what to say because we didn’t officially know what was going on! I didn’t want to raise people’s hopes to then say, “false alarm.” On the other hand, I really did want it to be true.

We finally began driving to the hospital and of course, Jason started driving in circles (because he was lost), which made me irritated. I honestly think we were all really nervous. We all wanted to meet this baby girl already.

…

We checked in and went to a room called, “The Starting Place” where they would check me and asked me when they thought my water broke, when my due date was, etc. After all the tests, they moved us to “Labor and Delivery.” This was the exciting part. They  gave us our room, which had a tub, a pull-out bed, and tv. I remember during our tour I was so excited to give birth in this room, especially because of the huge tub!

We got settled and they needed to take my blood to give me an IV (since they were going to give me pitocin). I hate needles, so I asked the nurse if I could call my sister while she pokes needles in me and she said it wouldn’t be rude at all. I called my sister Rita and she was distracting me by telling me how her one year-old was trying to open her tampons, thinking they were candy. It made me laugh and definitely distracted me.

It was about 6pm Monday night and they said since I wasn’t contracting, they would get me started on misoprostol to begin low intensity contractions. The sucky part about this was that there was a waiting period, once again. Good thing it was Monday: Jason and I were watching American Idol(;

By 1am, they gave me another misoprostol because nothing was really happening. We had already sent mom home to sleep because there was only one bed and I wanted her to save her energy except, she couldn’t really sleep and kept texting Jason when to come back to the hospital. She didn’t want to miss a beat. My mom and I were the closest out of all of the family, but we never really got too close to the point to where she had ever seen me fully exposed or in pain. To have here at my labor and delivery was a new level in our relationship for sure. In which, I am thankful for.

Jason and I had fallen asleep and by 3am, I began feeling low intensity pokey pains in my stomach. I cried out to Jason, “it”s starting!” He woke up and asked me how I was. It was manageable and happened only every half hour. By 5am, I had a nurse set up a tub for me with some lavender essential oils, since the contractions were coming every 2-5 minutes. The warm/hot water helped so much! My mom had come already and that is when I began moaning and groaning.

By 6am, I was only 4.5 centimeters, had walked around the hospital, bounced on the birthing ball, and did squats. I was just done. My new nurse Kelley, who had come in at 7am, was the best nurse I had throughout this whole hospital experience. I was in the tub for the third time and she asked me how I was doing. I had wanted to go through the contractions without any pain meds, thinking I was super woman- you know? But I wasn’t. It was 8am and Kelley saw me in the tub, bearing the pain, trying to go all natural.

She looked at me and said, “you are the only one who is going through this. You are the only one who is going through this pain, so you decide what is best for you.”

I looked at Jason and then looked at her before she was about to leave and said, “bring the epidural.” I felt really disappointed in myself and felt as if I was disappointing my husband too. He was encouraging me, breathing along with me, and holding my hand for the past five hours. He never left my side, but I simply could not bear the pain.

I was always afraid of getting an epidural mainly because I had heard horror stories about it and envied big needles. Although, I wouldn’t even see the needle and guess what? The sharp stinging only lasts for ten seconds rather than heavy contractions that last for longer.

The medication kicked right it and I automatically felt SOOOOO MUCH BETTER. It was 10am and I told everyone to rest, especially because I knew we had the best part ahead of us. The doctor’s upped my pitocin dose and we all went to sleep.

…

I woke up around 11:45pm because I began feeling something, some kind of pressure. I remember listening to birth stories through a podcast called, “The Birth Hour” and every single woman said that every time they felt as if they needed to go number two, that was the baby trying to come out.

It was time.

I called the nurse and told her what I felt and apparently my doctor’s resident was in a surgery, so we were one person short. I didn’t care who was treating me, I just needed to push. It took about 10-15 minutes for everyone to get situated (the nurse said I was ten centimeters and that is when she called everyone in). They set up the bowls on the table, all the needed tools as more and more people were coming into the room. All I cared about were the people around me: Kelley, my doctor, an on-call resident, Jason, and my mom praying out loud taking pictures.

It was around 12:20pm and I began pushing. I remember Kelley had told me to take a deep breathe, hold it in, and push while she counted down from ten. That was such helpful advice. There was one time she didn’t count and I told Jason to count down for me and he was so nervous/excited/overjoyed he told me he didn’t know how to! #priceless

12:44pm- Samantha was born. It was the happiest moment in my life. I wanted to cry, but only a few tears strolled down. I could not imagine what just happened. They put her on my chest for a few seconds and took her, trying to hear her first cry. After they checked her heart, saying it was super healthy, she made her first cry.

She had come out looking exactly as I had dreamt of: blue eyes, black hair, and a button nose. She was perfect. My angel. My everything. I was simply so in love. I cannot imagine my life without her.

 

 

A Reflection Piece

Mother of two, 
What do you have to say for yourself?
A quarter life age
You haven’t outlived yourself

The plant propagator you’ve become
Unearthing flowers, succulents, and trees
Remedied your soul’s inner needs
Unshattered by your relatives greed

Or so your tried, to remedy yourself 
Distancing from unhappiness 
Whether it be Tv, people, or the food you eat
To find that happy medium of near isolation and negativity
You never had a chance

To the days you tried, and the moments you’ve cried
You’ve been on your own, only God by your side
Days of reflection, you’ve talked with your other half
But thoughts that didn’t make sense, you dealt with them yourself
Because nobody can live the same life, 
We’re all on our own. 

No person lives free,
we’re all tied to something. 
Struggling with our darkest thoughts,
which cannot be explained 

Struggling with our own demons, approaching us in diverse techniques 
Knowing our weaknesses,
Insecurities, self-esteem, language, or eating
Drinking, lusting, pride, or time.

No chance make sense of this year, 
You swear you’ve been stuck in 2020
The repeating sound of adversity and crime
Shame and time
The world pressuring you to become like them 
Knowing that believing in God will get you nowhere
Fear mongering lies told to lug you into its cult
With the separating line that draws between you and your government
You either follow them or you lose
They’re aware of distrust procured

So hide away, until the curtain lifts 
How long will it take? To feel safe again 
Conspiracy after conspiracy you question in your head
What is this life we hold on to by thread? 

If you love your life, you’ll lose it

Is knowledge better than wisdom?
Knowing you’re conscious only to wake up and find your soul dead.
All the information we fight to obtain 
Watching hours of news or scrolling through Instagram
To gain only the knowledge of the world, which is meaningless 

A house becomes a home, a temporary place 

Red poinsettia growing in a pot
Blossoming next to the snake plant and bamboo
The growth you’ve made has come to reflect these living things
Some areas of your life, still need some work
Just like the propagated stems that haven’t grown 
Represent the areas in your life you can’t explain

Emptiness in a jar, you finally threw those away
With hope for what’s to come, no more feeling dismayed 
In striving to be “better”
I hate that word. 
What does it mean to be better? 
My definition may be different from yours
It’s a lazy description of how we want to be

HOW do you want to be better? 
For me, it’s working on not raising my voice when I’m overwhelmed
It’s creating better ways of organizing my home
To be less cluttered and ridding of things I don’t need.
It’s pushing myself harder when I exersicse to reach goals I’ve never achieved before
It’s listening and looking at someone when they speak
It’s giving people descriptive and caring responses when they vent and talk less about myself
It’s dropping everything I do, like cleaning, to focus on my child who is changing everyday. 
It’s being there and keeping my word. 
It’s not being compancent in my life and serving my neighbors without the fear of rejection. 
It’s realizing the best years are right in front of me and complaining about nothing.
because I have everything. 

Goodbye 2021

Devotional on Worry

Have you ever found yourself telling someone who’s going through a hard time in life to stop worrying and trust God to take care of it? I find it easier to say and much harder to do. The other day, I gave that piece of advice to a friend and later caught myself worrying about my own problems. How are we supposed to trust God when we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel? When we lose a loved one to sickness? When we’re living paycheck to paycheck? When our spouse decides to cheat on us? When our child is struggling with a mental health disorder? I don’t know how, but in my experience, God has always made a way. He has always provided and cared for me. 

One of my favorite scriptures on worry is Mathew 6:34.“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” {ESV}.

I think when we tell God about our worries, we begin to step into His promise. When we trust Him to take care of it, we are living in His promise.

Something that continues to circle my mind when I start to worry is this quote by Erma Bombeck,“Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but never gets you anywhere.”

How He Asked

It was a Sunday morning in South Lake Tahoe, I did not know anything unusual would happen. We were at a cabin with friends, friends from Sacramento and friends from Chicago. It was our second day of snowboarding, but some of us were actually planning to hang around town. We all were busy cleaning and Jay was not acting different or nervous or anything. He said he went to the store and bought water with Eugene (this is when they checked out the place where he would propose.) So we finished cleaning and the group went outside to take a group picture. Then everyone went to their cars and what I thought, began driving to Heavenly to snowboard.

As we were driving, Jay points out, “hey this looks familiar.” I noticed this was the same place we were at in August when we came on a date together. In August we had a picnic on this pink blanket as he played guitar and made silly songs for me. This time it was freezing cold outside, but the snow laying around was so beautiful. We arrived to the beach, they said “Eugene wants to check out the view one last time before they leave.” I did not think anything of it, so I did not mind.

Jay and I were walking around the beach, our friends behind us, admiring the view around us. Then we both went to a friend we call Lebich because he was playing with a huge snowball. Then we went together and began seeing if we could make another crack in the snow because the snow was frozen on top of the water. Anyways, we began walking back and our group of friends were all staring at us from a distance. I did not think anything of it, it just seemed as if they were waiting for us. (I also did not notice that Eugene and Oleg were gone this whole time.) As we were walking back and I was enjoying the view, I look down at Jay’s hands and saw he had his gloves off. I asked him, “why did you take off your gloves?” He tells me, “you will see in a second.” At that moment I knew it was coming, ready or not.

I slowly looked up and saw the pink blanket from our August trip with red rose pedals on it. I froze and saw Jay slowly going on his knee, (btw he was wearing the same outfit that he wore back in August and was looking extra cute that day.) I wanted to run away because I did not think this was happening to me. All my life looking forward to the day my man would propose. All the videos of “How He Asked” on Youtube and people telling stories of how everything happened. I did not realize this was happening to me, Christina Derkach. He took a piece of paper out of his pocket and began reading all the things he loves about me. The way I smile, the moments I get embarrassed, and how loud I am, etc. Then he goes, “I need something else.” And Eugene threw the ring box to him, he totally missed it, which was funny. He picked it up, smiling from ear to ear while I was standing there wanting to bawl my eyes out but holding it all in, and asked “Will You Marry Me?”

Of course I said Yes! Then we hugged and I told him, “Yes, a million times yes!”

 

Devotional on Anger

This week, I stumbled on a few scriptures that helped me understand what Jesus commands us to do when we become angry. Mathew 5:43 teaches us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. Psalm 58:1-3 talks about how we, as humans, judge people unfairly and wish to procure justice with violence.

Mathew 5:47 speaks on how easy it is to love our neighbor and hate our enemies. Even tax collectors do that. Jesus commands us not only to love those we admire, but to love those who we may call our enemies. To that, I wondered who my enemies may be and asked myself this: When we get angry at those we love, don’t they quickly become our enemies? For example, when we’re mad at our spouse, we can ignore them. When we are mad at our kids, we can condemn them. Even when we are mad at our parents, friends, siblings, etc., we begin to judge them. How much harder is it to bite our tongue and deal with our anger in these moments? 

In Proverbs chapter 10, verse 12, Solomon says, “Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love covers all offenses.” Likewise, 1 Peter 4:8 says that when we love one another deeply, it will cover a multitude of sins. I think when we swallow our pride and set our eyes on love, which is Jesus, we will begin to be covered in grace and forgiveness towards our enemies.

Here are the versus I used for reference: 

Luke 9, How Jesus Didn’t Act in Anger, Even When He Was Ignored: (May even be translated to modern day feeling ignored in person and/or over technology?)

“But the people of the village did not welcome Jesus because he was on his way to Jerusalem. When James and John saw this, they said to Jesus, “Lord, should we call down fire from heaven to burn them up?” But Jesus turned and rebuked them. 

‭‭Luke‬ ‭9:53-55‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Psalm 58 says, “Justice—do you rulers know the meaning of the word? Do you judge the people fairly? No! You plot injustice in your hearts. You spread violence throughout the land. These wicked people are born sinners; even from birth they have lied and gone their own way.” 

Psalms‬ ‭58:1-3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Mathew 5, Being Kind to Our Enemies: 

“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:43-47‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Written by: Christina Kachanovsky